Friday, December 23, 2011

Oh so annoying INSOMNIA

I. Can't. Sleep. Yes, I tend to have a problem with this quite frequently. But tonight the reason for this insomnia is not that I'm not sleepy. And I have to talk this out in an attempt to get over it. So here goes.
Last night I had the weirdest dream. I'm notorious for my odd dreams. You tell me about your strangest dream, I can probably top it. I'm not usually disturbed by this. I can't control what I dream. I don't believe that dreams have some deep dark secret meaning like dreaming a purple elephant means you're gonna die or something. (I don't know if this is what dreaming about a purple elephant is supposed to mean. just an example, ok?) I have looked up stuff that I've dreamed, just for kicks. I don't believe in that. I just don't. I don't read too much into the things in my head when I sleep- the good Lord knows there's enough going on up there to dwell on while I'm awake.
This one is bothering me though. Not that I think it means anything. But what on earth would possess me to dream what I dreamed? I'm not going to share it because it's too creepy. But the subject matter of the dream. Not something I think about. The people it involved. The images that I haven't thought about until I tried to close my eyes and sleep. When I close my eyes, I see these images and I don't want to sleep because I don't want to dream this again. The faces. The pain. The things I hope I never have to see in real life. But the faces. Two children. I've never seen them before. So how do random faces just populate in my dreams? And I feel guilty because I'm thanking God that this wasn't real and I don't have to deal with this. And I'm feeling guilty because I'm praying I never ever have to see in real life the things that I saw in my dream because even though this was a dream- a nightmare- to me, to some, this is real life. And I feel so guilty because I just want to shut it out of my head and not close my eyes so I won't be tortured by the things that I dreamed.
So here I am now at almost 3am. I can take a sleeping pill and eventually doze off with a book or in front of the tv but I'll sleep all day tomorrow. Being December 23rd, it is not a good day to sleep all day.
I know eventually the images will fade, and I may remember the dream but it will not be so fresh. But meanwhile, what am I supposed to do with this?

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Real Friends

First of all I have to say that I am blessed to have many people in my life that I consider "friends". If I were truly in need of food, a tank of gas, or in a life or death situation, I have an address book and a church, and even a bunch of folks on Facebook that I know I could call right up. If you are one of those folks, I say thank you, and I love you for this. (If not, then um, why the heck not? I'm a good person!! And I'd do it for YOU!!)
I have fewer friends that I hang out with on a regular basis, and by regular I mean- I shoot them a message on Facebook and say "yo what's up? We have GOT to get together and catch up!!", and then feel like we have accomplished something great when it happens! Yea, you know what I'm talkin about! I have even fewer that know my deepest darkest secrets.
That's normal I am certain.
Tonight however, I am reminded of a type of friend that is different than all of this. This is the friend that you call when you are at your very lowest. (or text, because I am famous for this. I am convinced the text message is the greatest invention known to man!)
This friend does not agree with you that your life sucks. She doesn't say "how could they do that to you?" She does not say "well let me tell you how bad my life sucks". She doesn't make you feel hopeless. She doesn't tell you to take a pill or have a drink and go to bed. She makes you feel better. She tries to make you see the good in every situation.
This happened to me tonight. I texted my friend. I said "ya know what, I just don't know how much lower I can get. I'm going to bed for a while. I'll call you later." (in a nutshell) she simply replied "I love u". I told her I loved her too and to please pray for me. She said she was praying right now. That's not what I "wanted". I wanted her to call me and listen to me whine and say "oh poor Tammy". If she had done that, I'd be laying in my bed, in the dark crying my eyes out right now. Instead I'm laying across the bed typing this blog from my iPhone. Do ya see where I'm going here?
I heard a song a few weeks ago by Sugarland called "Shine the Light". It moved me to tears for an entirely different reason. Right now it's stuck in my head because that's what Kristi has done for me. She shined the light for me. And she does so over and over. She never fails. I want you to go listen to this song. Kristi I want YOU to go listen to this song. You are this person. You made me feel so much better today and you probably have no idea you even did anything.
As for me, I have a lot of work to do. I have a tendency to be the "oh bless your heart, poor you" kind of friend. Starting right now- Monday, November 1, 2011 at 7:02 PM, I am gonna change. I am going to be the Shine the Light friend. I'm going to fail miserably. I'm going to slip up and throw someone a huge pity party. If I do that to you, them you need to beat me up. But I am going to strive for excellence. When you guys come to me whining, I am going to help you see the light- the bright side. I am challenging myself personally and I am challenging you. Will you join me?
Kristi- thank you. I love you more!

Monday, July 11, 2011

I'm still around...

It's not that I haven't wanted to blog. I have thought of several things I wanted to write about. I really dislike writing from my iPhone. My laptop is out of commission right now, and the PC is in the back of the house. I don't know why, but I absolutely hate going back there "just" to get on the computer. It's just not worth it. I'm at my sisters house this morning watching some of her kids, so I jacked her laptop for a few minutes to catch up on the world.
Have you checked out Google+? I have to admit, I'm kind of intrigued. I think Google will probably end up owning the entire internet eventually, so I resisted. Also, with the absolute disaster that was Google Wave, I didn't think much of this. But I got an invite so I checked it out. I'm still figuring things out, and of course an app for the iPhone is going to be a "must", but I kinda like it. Not sure what exactly I like about it yet- maybe it's merely the newness. (Is that a word??)
Here's one cool thing- When you add someone, you add them to a circle. You can add them to one circle, or several. When you go to post something, you can choose which circles you want to post this to. Now I know that the mighty Facebook allows you to do this or something similar, but something about the way it's done with Google seems so much smoother to me.
Of course Google released this slowly but surely. I had not even heard of this until last week- imagine that!! So it has been invitation only. I'm not real positive about this- but I signed in to another Gmail account I have this morning and it automatically prompted me to join G+. So maybe they have opened it up today to everyone? Again, I'm not positive, but try it. I'm curious to know what you guys think of the new Google revolution!! If you can't get on, email me and I will send you an invitation- because I'm cool like that!!
As far as my lack of blogging recently- you can expect a lot more coming up. I have officially decided to make a HUGE change in my life, which I will blog about later today. And I am sure I am going to have many thoughts about this.
Love to all in blogger-land!!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

My Babies...

I keep kids at home. I love kids. Providing quality childcare and early education is something I am passionate about. My favorite job ever was in AR. I was teaching Pre-K. I was young and had no education but I threw myself into learning everything I could learn and the kids who left my class and went to kindergarten were the best. We didn't use a curriculum. We wrote our own. Looking back, remembering that I didnt even have Internet, I have no idea how I learned everything I did. I did this for a while in Meridian but was never given the opportunities I was given back then, and therefore just wasn't as happy. I worked other jobs, made good money but it all came back to this.
It took several months to build my business up. I was very discouraged. Now I am overflowing thanks to God and a little thing called word of mouth. God really blesses you when you are patient.
I have just done the absolute most heartwrenching thing I have ever done. I have a 4 year old. My favorite age to teach. She's a sponge. I could have this child reading and writing like a pro before she goes to kindergarten in the fall of 2012. Yes. I would place money on that. But she's the only 4 year old I'll have left. The other 4 year old that I get part time will be going to kindergarten this fall. Knowing how important interaction with children her age is, and knowing that the parents have already talked about putting her in pre-k in the fall, I have recommended a preschool and a teacher. My heart is broken. What's even worse is that I also keep her baby brother. I just feel that for convenience they will want them both at the same place. So I'm going to lose him too. I hope and pray I do not. Funny how quickly you get attached to these little ones.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Colossians 3:23

I was in a job that I hated. Ironically it was in childcare- the job that is and always has been my passion. More about this passion in another blog.
This job- it was horrible. I needed the money, or so I thought, or I would have left the job in a heartbeat. I just had all of these dreams and ideas and I couldn't use any of them. I felt my creativity was being squashed in a playground filled with dirt- and ONLY dirt. I loved my babies so very much. I wanted to love them and teach them. My parents trusted me to do these things and I worked hard not to let them down.
I found myself getting bogged down with stupid petty office things. "You're supposed to be wearing green scrubs today and not purple"; "ok this kid told you to kiss his ass. Punish him by making him sit in your lap." seriously? Take him out of the big never-ending desert behind the daycare and give him special treatment by letting him sit in my lap? I really hate to see what he comes up with next!!
Anyway. I was frustrated. Beyond belief. Ready to walk in the next day and tell someone off and it was not going to be pretty. Yes I was a Christian then too. But a person can only take so much. Right Lord? Are You on my side here God? I am so obviously being mistreated here!!
Okay so I get home and get out of my car, ready to go in and tell the hubs that It is over. I quit. I look in my yard and there is some paper in the yard. Bright pink paper- almost fluorescent. I grumble as I walk over to pick it up. I pick it up and head to the garbage can but I feel a slight nudging to see what it is. It is a brochure from the church down the street. The youth group is having a get together. I don't have youth at this time so I don't plan on reading much further but one little word catches my eye. Work. Ok a big word at this time in my life. So then I had to look. Here's what it said:
Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men. Colossians 3:23
I had to read this several times to let this sink in. Was this really in the Bible? Seriously? Was this some kind of joke? I'll admit, I had been very vocal about my frustration. I go in the house and grab my Bible. There is was. It was in the Bible. I kept reading. This is the day I realized that no matter what situation you are facing, the Word of God has you covered.
This verse helped me stay at this job another year. I did move on but only after I knew it was time and not in frustration.
Since then, this verse has gotten me through many a rough day. At work and home. Just because it says work heartily doesn't mean it's only talking about your job. We work as much at home these days as we do at work!
No matter what you are doing, do it as if you are working for the Lord. Not that gripey boss. (unless your boss happens to literally be the Lord, in which case you really shouldn't be calling Him gripey...)
If you go up to verse 22, God specifically commands slaves to obey their earthly masters. In this day, this no doubt is referring to an employee/employer relationship. So there we have a command to obey our bosses and then a command to do this as to the Lord- so, with the right attitude.
We must do these things to set a good example. As we know, we are being watched by non-believers who are waiting for us to stumble. BUT- when we start facing our day with the attitude that we are working for the Lord, our days will look much better.
I leave you tonight with a challenge. Write this verse on an index card. Several index cards. Put them up at work. On your fridge. Wherever you think you might need them. Recite this verse over and over throughout the day and strive to live it. Do this for ten days and see if your days don't get better. Then leave me a comment below and let me know. I can't wait to hear about it!!
Love and hugs!!

Sent from my iPhone

Another thing about Facing the Giants. The coach drills into the teams heads that nothing is impossible with God. He asks them "what's impossible with God?", to which they alway reply "nothing, sir!" Chills, I tell ya!!

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Facing the Giants

Well I watched Facing the Giants with my wonderful hubby tonight. This movie is always a guaranteed tearjerker for me.
Spoiler alert!! If you haven't seen this movie now is the time to stop reading this blog. Seriously. Watch the movie then come back.
I love this movie. I've read the reviews. The acting is bad. I don't really give a rip about that. They had no training if I understand correctly. Look past the acting. Look at the people. Look at the raw honesty of the situation.
The guy pretty much sucks at his job, which is a coaching job so really how much money can he make? His wife has a job but probably makes barely above minimum wage. They have a crappy car but they are trying to save and really can't afford a new car payment. They are trying to have a baby but really can't afford that either. They go to church... Their faith is just not there. They are lukewarm like many of us. (myself included) He is so stressed out about every single thing that their marriage seems to be falling apart. Then something happens. His faith does a complete 180. Everything he does in his life he does for God. He prays with his wife, his football team, alone. He gives God the glory for everything. A rebellious son goes to his father and apologizes and agrees to obey his rules. That dad later on buys the coach a truck. Anonymously of course. They are winning games like crazy. Coach gets a raise. Marriage is wonderful. Still trying for that baby. Favorite part of the movie. They make it to state playoffs. Wife is nauseous. Goes to doc to take a test. They tell her she's not pg. Disappointment is not even the word. They realize after she's walked out it's a mistake. Nurse goes out to the truck and tells her it was a mistake. She is overcome with joy. She goes to the game. It comes down to the last second and they pull a miraculous win. He prays with his team. He gets home and his wife tells him he's gonna be a daddy. He drops to his knees and tells God he's overwhelmed. Overwhelmed!! Did you read that??
When is the last time we were overwhelmed by something God did in our lives? You know, it's not often He goes to this extreme to get our attention. He can. But we should be overwhelmed every day that we were CHOSEN by Him. The Maker of the universe. To serve Him. To spread His word. His joy. And live forever. I can't even comprehend forever.
And another point. When the switch was flipped in this guy, he didn't start doing everything for God so he could get a new truck and a baby and a state championship. He did it because he was at the end of his rope and he knew that God would at least help him get through it. God did that. And He went above and beyond. We don't put our faith in God expecting Him to go above and beyond. I had an old friend tell me once that she was trusting in God because she wanted a bigger house. I asked her what was wrong with her house. She said nothing. Her kids were grown and she just wanted a bigger one and she knew that if she believed God for it, He would get it for her. My God is not a genie in a bottle. He provides for my needs as He has promised. Sometimes He does go above and beyond. I have many things I don't consider a need, but I don't have excess. Everything He allows us to have that is beyond what we need, we should be thankful for and not proud or boastful.
Anyway back to the point. Do everything for God. At work. At home. At play. Everything you do, do it for God. When He gives you a blessing, be overwhelmed. Let God bless you!
Now- homework. Go read Colossians 3:23. Yes, now. And while you're at it, go ahead and finish the chapter. Don't be afraid to keep reading. Next blog will be about how I came across this wonderful bit of scripture. Awesome amazing story!!
Goodnight!! Love and hugs to all!!

Sent from my iPhone

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Home Alone!!

I'm home alone this morning! It is simply wonderful! I must admit- of everything in this world- this is my guilty pleasure. The peace and quiet of being home alone. It's not that I have control of the remote control- although that big red OFF button sure is beautiful!! It's not the cliche of running around sans clothing- but be warned that "the girls" do run loose.
What you would find if you were to drop by would be nothing mind blowing. Me in the recliner reading a book on the Kindle. Me playing Angry Birds. Me enjoying the quiet hearing nothing except my ears ringing, or you might hear Third Day jamming on Pandora. Or me talking on the phone without any interruptions.
My 16 year old thinks that because I so treasure this alone time, it must mean that I hate her and the baby-daddy. My sweet sweet girl, if you are reading this, all I can tell you is this. When you are 40 and have raised two kids and been married as long as I have, you will understand. This is my bliss.
Now if you will excuse me, I am going to go enjoy the rest of my time before it's over.

Friday, June 10, 2011

I've Deleted Facebook- OH MY GAWSH!!!

So I finally did it. After all of the hours I've spent poring over Facebook to see what kind of drama is going on, that I am GLAD I'm not a part of anymore, I have deleted it. I am no longer a party. I no longer know what is going on in the world. What shall I do?
I don't even know what I'm thinking by starting this "BLAWG". I don't even know where to begin. I know that since I've made the big announcement, I've had several emails, texts, and some comments that they will miss my scriptures and other rantings. I hope to use this blog to post my stuff, while being protected from the drama. We'll see how this goes. I do know that I spend WAY too much time on Facebook and I am hoping and PRAYING to use this time to better myself. Like reading my Bible, or praying, or cleaning my house, or spending time with my family, or..... whatever. The list is neverending. If you find yourself here, welcome. I hope that I can uplift you, entertain you, make you mad, or all three!!!
Until next time, I leave you with this...
"And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God." Romans 12:2