Friday, December 23, 2011

Oh so annoying INSOMNIA

I. Can't. Sleep. Yes, I tend to have a problem with this quite frequently. But tonight the reason for this insomnia is not that I'm not sleepy. And I have to talk this out in an attempt to get over it. So here goes.
Last night I had the weirdest dream. I'm notorious for my odd dreams. You tell me about your strangest dream, I can probably top it. I'm not usually disturbed by this. I can't control what I dream. I don't believe that dreams have some deep dark secret meaning like dreaming a purple elephant means you're gonna die or something. (I don't know if this is what dreaming about a purple elephant is supposed to mean. just an example, ok?) I have looked up stuff that I've dreamed, just for kicks. I don't believe in that. I just don't. I don't read too much into the things in my head when I sleep- the good Lord knows there's enough going on up there to dwell on while I'm awake.
This one is bothering me though. Not that I think it means anything. But what on earth would possess me to dream what I dreamed? I'm not going to share it because it's too creepy. But the subject matter of the dream. Not something I think about. The people it involved. The images that I haven't thought about until I tried to close my eyes and sleep. When I close my eyes, I see these images and I don't want to sleep because I don't want to dream this again. The faces. The pain. The things I hope I never have to see in real life. But the faces. Two children. I've never seen them before. So how do random faces just populate in my dreams? And I feel guilty because I'm thanking God that this wasn't real and I don't have to deal with this. And I'm feeling guilty because I'm praying I never ever have to see in real life the things that I saw in my dream because even though this was a dream- a nightmare- to me, to some, this is real life. And I feel so guilty because I just want to shut it out of my head and not close my eyes so I won't be tortured by the things that I dreamed.
So here I am now at almost 3am. I can take a sleeping pill and eventually doze off with a book or in front of the tv but I'll sleep all day tomorrow. Being December 23rd, it is not a good day to sleep all day.
I know eventually the images will fade, and I may remember the dream but it will not be so fresh. But meanwhile, what am I supposed to do with this?

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